By D. Kevin McNeir
Special to the AFRO
In August 2024 former U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, issued an advisory declaring parental stress a public health issue in a report entitled, “Parents Under Pressure.”
In the advisory, Murthy called for a fundamental shift in American values and recommended that we prioritize the mental health and well-being of parents and advocate for more policies, programs, and individual actions that support parents and caregivers.
“Raising children is sacred work and the well-being of parents and caregivers is crucial for the well-being of children and future generations,” he wrote.
Murthy further acknowledged the stressors most often faced by parents including financial strain, time demands, children’s health and safety concerns and parental isolation and loneliness.
And while he did not specifically single out Black parents, Dr. Murthy did indicate that “mental health conditions disproportionately affect some parents and caregivers, including those facing racism and discrimination.”
Murthy’s research focused on parents with children 18 years old and younger. But does parental stress continue to impact parents even after their children become adults?
Credit: Courtesy photo)
In an article published in The AFRO, May 19, 2024, three Black men, all recent recipients of undergraduate or graduate degrees, were asked if they experienced stress in their educational pursuits because of racism and discrimination and what tools they used to achieve their goals. This week, parents were asked if they have struggled with parental stress or faced mental illness in their efforts to guide and protect their sons, both during their childhood and beyond those formative years.
Single father worries less these days, but still worries
Duane Sedgwick, 44, a maintenance engineer in Rockville, Md., said when it came to his son, Duane, he was determined to “keep him close.”
“I learned carpentry, plumbing and similar skills – even fixing bikes, cars and other things around the house – by trial and error,” he said. “I’ve always been a hands-on kind of person, and my son inherited that trait. That’s what has allowed us to spend so much time together, but my son has taken it to greater levels. He’s more talented than me.”
Sedgwick said he’ll never forget the joy he felt when his son received his mechanical engineering degree from Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, Texas.
“His life and what he does with it is up to him now, but when he graduated, I felt like it was the biggest accomplishment of my life. He’s the first in our family to graduate from college,” he said. “What makes it even more special for me is that I didn’t even graduate from high school–I learned trades. I made money honestly using my hands.”
Sedgwick admits that he, at times, has been overwhelmed with the effort it took to keep his son on the straight and narrow.
“I drove my son and his friends to D.C. and Baltimore, to basketball practices and after school events because I wanted to know who he was spending time with and to make sure he was safe,” he said. “I know the statistics about Black boys–and I was not going to let the streets influence him or take him away from me.”
Still, Sedgwick said parents can only do so much. The parental stress hasn’t gone away, even though his son is now fending for himself in Minneapolis, Minn., as a structural engineer.
“One of my son’s best friends was shot and killed while they were attending a house party back in high school,” he said. “They were sitting next to each other on a couch. The bullet wasn’t meant for my son, but it could have hit him. It could have ended his life. He’s had to deal with that ever since, but so have I.”
Keeping his son busy has been Alan Wilson II’s strategy
Alan Wilson II, 64, who lives in St. Louis, Missouri, said he bonded with his son, Alan III, now 26 by cutting down on idle time.
“I got him into sports when he was very young and like me, he took to it quickly,” said “That was my way of keeping him busy – occupied in positive situations and keeping an eye on him, too.”
Wilson said because St. Louis reflected his hometown of Detroit in many ways, he and his wife moved out of the city and into the suburbs shortly after they began to raise a family.
“Environment has a major impact on the opportunities your children experience, and we wanted to remove some of the dangers and temptations as much as possible,” he said. “Sure, he does the social things that young men his age do, but I’m not worried that he’s going to get involved in the wrong kinds of things or get involved with negative kinds of people.”
Wilson said he’s proud that his son, who graduated from Quincy University in Illinois where he studied computer science and criminal justice, has found his niche after a few years pursuing his dream to become a professional football player.
“He’s a football coach and trainer for youth, college athletes and pro athletes and he’s good with people,” Wilson said. “And he’s gained a reputation for being honest, trustworthy and likeable. And he’s used to dealing with people of all races and backgrounds. So, I don’t worry about him – not much, anyway.”
Still, Wilson acknowledged that because of his son’s size and stature – at six feet, six inches tall and about 300 pounds – he sometimes worries others will view him as a threat.
“He’s a big, Black man and my biggest concern has been that he’ll face a situation with a policeman who looks at his size and immediately stereotypes him,” Wilson said. “Another fear that I can’t shake is if he’ll run into another Black male who wants to prove himself and take on the big guy. I guess I just have to have faith that my son will know how to handle himself in those kinds of situations.”
Candace Jenkins always wanted a son, but she knew she could never be ‘dad’
After her divorce, Candace Jenkins, 64, a native of Detroit, Michigan, said she knew it would not be easy to raise her two children alone. So, she looked for other positive males to lend their guidance when her former husband, who lived in another state, was unavailable.
“I knew what it was like to be a little girl, so raising my daughter was easy. But when I had my son, as excited as I was, I had no misconceptions that I could play the role of his father,” Jenkins said.
Jenkins said she watched a lot of her peers get caught up in the stereotype of feeling the pressure of becoming “supermom.” She refused to go down that path.
“My children have learned a lot about life from me and they’ve learned a lot from their father,” she said. “And I think we must be honest: children need both parents. We both have our roles to play. Even after our children are adults, like mine are now, we continue to worry about them. The parental stress– especially for those of us with Black boys– never ends. It doesn’t end if we have daughters. That’s part of what it means to be a responsible parent,” she said.
Jenkins said her job as an attorney in Detroit’s juvenile court system helped her see the world in a very different light.
“My son Jared has an MBA and is now out on his own in Chicago,” she said. “He’s thriving and I am very proud of him. But my parenting style changed a lot after I saw the kinds of challenges that a lot of other families face because of their environment. When I looked at the cases that came across my desk and realized how important parental influence, or the lack thereof can be, I put even more time into my children’s lives.”
Jenkins recalls cases where children stayed out all night, fought their parents or got involved in illegal activity. She said she’s grateful she’s never had to face similar events.
“I can say that my children have both done all the things that society expects of youth,” she said. “But more important, they’ve done everything that I have hoped and expected them to do. They’ve finished school, they’re Christians with spiritual beliefs and values and they’re making their way on their own.”
Jenkins said her biggest advice to other parents is to remember that their children are unique individuals and have their own lives to live.
“We can share our experiences with our children, but we can’t expect them to follow in our footsteps,” she said. “They have to make their own mistakes and choices. But as a Black parent with adult children, I emphasize that we are not equals.”
I’m an advocate of the old ways of parenting, she said. “I make sure I do things that are worthy of their respect. And then I demand and expect their respect.”
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