By Dr. Frances “Toni” Draper
AFRO CEO and Publisher
February is the perfect time to spotlight the hearts that beat with pride in the Black community. From cardiovascular health to Black love–we discuss it all in this edition. With this in mind, I think now is the perfect time to revisit the intro of my book, “No Ordinary Hookup,” to understand why real love– not just “hook ups–” are more needed than ever.
The rise of “hook ups,” a form of casual sex, has been described by evolutionary biologist, Justin Garcia, as a “cultural revolution” that had its beginnings in the 1920s. Technological advancements such as the automobile and movie theaters brought young couples out of their parents’ homes and away from their watchful eyes, giving young people more freedom and more opportunity for sexual activity.
With the loosening sexual morals that came with the sexual revolution in the 1960s, sex became uncoupled from relationships and non-marital sex became more socially accepted. Some scholars, including Garcia, have found that while dating has not disappeared, it has decreased as hook up culture has become more common. By the mid-1990s, hook ups were an accepted form of relating among sexually active adults, especially on college campuses.
One hundred years ago, young people also had a desire to “hook up,” but the connotation was completely different than it is today. A hook up was not about casual sex, but was the precursor to a lifetime commitment—a “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinances; and thereto I pledge thee my faith”–kind of commitment. And, in preparation for this lifetime commitment, this “dating” period was called a courtship. One online dictionary defines “courtship” as “a period during which a couple develops a romantic relationship, especially with a view to marriage.”
In 1911, my grandparents, Carl Murphy and Lula Vashti Turley (known by her middle name) “hooked up” at Howard University in Washington, D.C. – he, the German professor, and she, the German student; he, born in 1889, and she, five years earlier; he the faithful member of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc.; and she one of the 22 founders of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.; she, the D.C. school teacher, and he, the editor of the AFRO-American Newspaper founded by his father in 1892; she, the only survivor of her immediate family who all died from a plague, he one of ten children—five boys and five girls. It wasn’t until after she graduated from Howard in 1914 that she invited the young professor “to call.” But this was no ordinary hook up!
It was a courtship extraordinaire—a relationship based on a strong faith in God, on who they were as individuals, as well as on who they hoped to become as a couple. Their letters cover a seven-month period (Feb. 1915 – Sept. 1915) and discuss a variety of topics such as religion, literature, theater, politics, social justice, civil rights, music and of course, love. There are some gaps in the dates of the letters so the reader is invited to let your imagination (especially your romantic side) fill in the blanks. Carl James Greenbury Murphy and Lula Vashti Turley were married on Tuesday, June 20, 1916. They were married for 43 years, until her death on March 17, 1960.
The issue of marriage stability and sustainability is one of particular interest to me. As a member of the clergy, I am often called upon to perform weddings, yet, I also receive many calls from couples whose marriages are in trouble. Unfortunately, too many couples spend more time on wedding preparations than they do on preparing for healthy, stable, long-lasting and satisfying marriages. As a result, I have spent more than 30 years researching, teaching and advising on the value of premarital counseling as a necessary precursor to marriage. In doing so, I reflect not only on the theoretical or the theological (while both are important), but also on the practical and historical.
I vividly remember the weekly trips to my grandparents’ home in Morgan Park and how wonderful it was to see them interact with each other. My own parents were divorced, so my brother, sister and I did not have a father in the home. We were around a lot of other married couples, but none were like our grandparents. While our grandparents seldom hugged or kissed publicly, even amongst family, they had a deep and abiding respect for each other. My five-foot, two-inch tall grandfather, by all accounts, could be a tyrant, but you could always count on him to respond “yes, dear” when my grandmother softly reminded him that while he was in charge of the AFRO, she was in charge of the house.
Their marriage was an extension of their courtship. As a married couple, they continued to read and passionately discuss a variety of books, listen to good music (grandfather was a huge fan of German operas), and fellowship with people of all races and cultures. They also loved and cherished family time, as well as family ties. Building a long-lasting, trusting relationship was important. So was attending church at St. James Episcopal as a family and serving their community.
Their courtship and marriage served as one of the frameworks for my doctoral thesis, “Relationship Theology: A Model for Producing Healthy Marriages in the African American Context.” I am convinced that what happens before couples say “I do” determines the quality and length of their marriage. Even though Carl and Vashti Murphy “courted” and married over 100 years ago, the principles that they embraced are still relevant today.
It was no ordinary hook up!
Author’s Note: For the most part, the letters are transcribed exactly as written in an attempt to maintain the authentic spelling and grammar of the early 1900’s. In addition, the reader will note that their salutations quickly progressed from “Dear Mr. Murphy, Dear Miss Turley” to “Dear Vashti, Dear Carl”– from an intellectual courtship to an intimate declaration of love.
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