By Rev. Dorothy S. Boulware
Word In Black
If recent trends in the Black community are to be believed, what often follows marriage is a shaky union on the rocks.
Consider: the marriage rate for all Americans is around 50 percent, but the matrimonial rate for Black people is about 30 percent. That means roughly 60 percent of Black men and women, including members of the millennial generation, have never jumped the broom.
But there is one place where marriage among Black people is thriving: the church. A new generation of married pastors is not only setting an example for their congregants but also offering advice, lessons, and a tried-and-true philosophy to help newly married couples: consider yourselves partners or teammates, not lovers or rivals.
A marriage champion
Dr. Derren Thompson, lead pastor of Conquerors Church in Edgewood, Maryland, is bullish on marriage, and his schedule reflects it.
“I have three [this year] that were planned last year, and I just got one for 2026,” says Thompson. “I usually perform seven to 10 weddings a year.”
Perhaps more impressive is the fact that most of those ceremonies tend to take place outside of his congregation — because most of the Conquerors Church members are already married.
Marriage as a partnership
Pastor Corey Cunningham, lead pastor of The Inspiration Church in Dayton, Ohio, says the key to making marriage work is to ditch antiquated notions that marriage is a power struggle between individuals.
“A common struggle in marriage is conflict, but we’ve learned that husbands and wives aren’t opposing teams, fighting against each other,” says Cunningham, who runs the church with his wife, Stephanie Cunningham. “We’re on the same team, fighting together and for each other, because when only one wins, both lose.”
While the marriage rate for Black people is roughly 20 points below Whites, there are indicators that it is on the rebound in the Black community. In 2023, for example, there were 5.18 million Black married-couple households living in the U.S. That’s a significant increase from 1990, when there were 3.57 million Black married-couple homes nationwide.
Still, there are historic, cultural and economic headwinds for Black marriage
Signs of a rebound in black marriage rates
In 1970, for example, 35.6 percent of Black men and 27.7 percent of Black women were never married, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. By 2020, however, those percentages had jumped to 51.4 percent for Black men and 47.5 percent for Black women. Echoes of slavery, as well as poverty, relatively lower economic attainment and high incarceration rates among Black men are all factors in keeping the Black marriage rate low compared with Whites.
Yet Cunningham and Thompson both say they believe marriage has gotten a bad rap among older generations, and they’ve seen younger couples more receptive to giving it a try. But they both make sure the couples know they may have to change how they think about the institution.
Thompson says marriages often suffer because couples don’t think of each other as partners. They often hold on to archaic notions and practices, he says, rather than setting their own standards and practices — something he understands first-hand.
‘I was a trip!’
In 1988 Thompson met his now-wife Chalon Thompson in church. He served as a youth minister and she assisted them. After one session the young couple bypassed premarital counseling, but the church marriage counselors gave them their blessings. They married in 1997. But like a sixth grader promoted to high school, however, the couple soon realized they were unprepared for the challenges that came their way.
Derren Thompson tells part of their story on his website. Although Chalon “has had my back from Day One,” he describes himself as “selfish and arrogant” and he “had an attitude. I would not speak to her for days and would not respond to pager messages. I was a trip!!!”
So they sought help from another couple whose marriage was steady and strong. From it, the Thompsons learned how to strengthen their own marriage and found a collective knack for helping others. And they co-authored a book, “Redefined Love: Discovering Love’s True Essence.”
What makes a successful marriage?
When asked what signals a couple can be successful, Thompson eagerly responded.
“The biggest thing I look for is their energy. Many of them will come to the table and they’re just like, look, we really want to do this. We’re interested in this, but we struggle here,” Thompson says. “I love it when people come to the table that way, ready to work. I often want to hear about those things that excite them and drive them.”
But Thompson says he also appreciates blunt honesty, particularly from men.
“When they come to the table saying, ‘Look, this is where I’ve been. This is what I’ve done. I’m horrible at this. I probably won’t be the best at this. And I need some help,’. I’m just like, ‘Yes!’” Thompson says. “Especially when men come to the table this way.”
Positivity and perseverance
With a positive attitude and willingness to put in the work, “there’s nothing that can’t be accomplished,” Thompson says. His own marriage is proof.
”We hadn’t thought of each other as partners, and many couples don’t. The scripture says, How can two walk together unless they be agreed? We learned to ask each other to support us as partners in whatever we did.”
Potential couples are excited when they find the Thompsons have been married so long because they don’t often see that kind of longevity.
And we tell them, we listen, but we don’t judge. That’s especially important for the men because the entire world judges Black men in every area.
“It’s so important to address the issues, whatever they might be. It’s not as if they’re just going to disappear after premarital counseling, or even after the wedding,” Thompson says. “There’s going to be some sprinkles of some stuff that resembles what it was they were trying to run away from. So the issue is to equip them to handle them when they resurface.”
This article was originally published by Word In Black.
The post Black marriage on the decline? These pastors have another opinion appeared first on AFRO American Newspapers.
