Dear Eric: My sister is going through a divorce after 40 years of marriage. It has been a long time coming during which time I have seen her often berate her husband in front of family and friends for doing things the rest of us could not recognize. I’ve also seen her rage at my elderly mother who has breast cancer.
Now she has separated and set up her own place in another state from her husband. I went to visit her and tried to be supportive of her new life.
Over the holidays, I visited my brother-in-law because it is on the way to where we were going to spend the holidays. He introduced us to his new girlfriend.
I had told my sister we would be stopping there but when she found out I met the girlfriend, she became enraged at me saying I wasn’t supportive and should have told her ex that I was uncomfortable with meeting his girlfriend, which I was not.
She has been texting me since saying how disloyal I am and that she can’t talk to me, but I am so angry I just want to tell her to stop contacting me. However, we still have to talk regarding our mom, and I feel guilty knowing she is hurting, and I can’t help her out. I can’t figure out how to go forward. I plan on giving her time but also am so angry I want to break contact with her. Really ruined Christmas and not a great start to a new year.
— Tired of Being Yelled At
Dear Tired: From your telling, your sister’s frustrations in life seem to often boil over into tirades. This is something she can work on in therapy or perhaps with medication. This may not be the ideal moment to bring that up but keep it in your arsenal. She could probably use some help.
For now, acknowledge that her anger is real and that your anger is also real. You don’t need to stay in contact through this, though. Tell her you’re sorry that she was hurt by you meeting the girlfriend and that you’re going to give her some space, but that it’s important that you’re both able to talk through matters with your mom. This puts everything on the table. It communicates with her that you two need to stop talking about the situation with her ex while also setting a clear boundary around what you can and will be talking about.
