AFRO inside look: how to survive the holiday season with ease

By Aria Brent,
AFRO Staff Writer,
abrent@afro.com

The holidays can be a very strenuous and stressful time of the year in more ways than one. While many people look forward to the holidays, others dread them because of the emotions that come with the occasion. The pressure to “show up and show out” can be very overwhelming, but there are ways to overcome it. 

On Nov.20, the ladies of “Grown A** Women Podcast” spoke with the AFRO’s editorial team about how they handle the hustle and bustle of the holidays. The women, experts in fields ranging from mental health and education to risk management,  say using the word  “no,” prioritizing one’s own needs and setting boundaries are key to balancing mental and emotional health during this time of the year. 

“Once you have that break, we often spend so much time trying to make the holidays perfect and please people that we forget to take care of ourselves,” explained Ayana Malone, Ed.D., one of five hosts to run the podcast. 

Malone is an educator with a background in special education,talent and equity. She noted how vital it is for educators of all sorts to really take the time to relax during holiday breaks because of how demanding the education field can be. 

“My biggest tip I can give for teachers, educators and principals is take the time. People are going to want you [to come] places. They’re going to want you to come to their parties, and they’re going to want you to come over here for dinner,” stated Malone. “‘No’ is a complete sentence. ‘I cannot come’ is a full sentence. You need to take that time to really relax and regroup.”

Finding things or people that help you feel at ease and at home during this time of year is equally as important as actually taking the time out to relax. Fellow host, Jonai Morse Carr shared what she found helpful while serving in the U.S. military during the holiday season— sometimes a long way from home.

“You don’t even know sometimes that you’re going to feel the way that you do until you get there. You’re on this one high because you know you’re going to do this job and you’re going to be gone for ‘X’ amount of time and your focus is there. Then this holiday comes up and you’re like ‘oh my goodness I’m not with my family,’” Carr said, of her time experiencing the holidays during a deployment. “One of the things I did was latch on to those connections that I made with my soldier friends while I was overseas and we kind of created our own little military traditions. We would all make sure we meet up at the same time to go have the meal together, we would play games, we would all make sure we were checking in on each other and making sure that we were talking to our families.”

Carr said members of the civilian world can help those who are serving in the military during the holidays by writing to them or making a phone call. She also encourages members of the armed forces to not give in to isolation. 

“I would encourage everyone to just reach out to somebody. Even if it’s not family, maybe there is someone else that you know that could be going through the same thing. It’s super important to just connect with someone,” said Carr. 

CEO of Onyx Therapy Group, LaNail Plummer, Ed.D., shared how the holiday season can be particularly stressful for Black women and explained that knowing yourself and your limits is much needed for this time of year.

“I find that for Black women, we are often put in this position of being like the superhero. We have to have it all together. We have to know how to do it perfectly if we are finding ourselves in matriarchal roles and people are looking for us not just for things like recipes, they’re looking for us to be the one to mediate a conversation,” said Plummer. “In these particular stressful situations, a person may have been able to manage their anxiety and depression outside of the holiday season, but once they get into the interactions of their family, who may have been part of their trauma and who may be triggering them it gets even more complicated. 

Plummer spoke on ways that Black women can take care of themselves during one of the most stressful times of year. 

“I think for Black women we have to be very mindful of our boundaries, but that also means that we have to be aware of who we are and what makes sense for us,” she said. “[If] I’m a person that needs to step away from my family every once in a while, then guess what— I’m going to plan a grocery store run.”

While Plummer noted, with age comes fewer excuses and explanations to others, she said taking time for yourself— no matter the reason— is key. 

Plummer’s sentiment of how important it is to know yourself and your limits was further explained by Nikki Wood risk management expert. 

Wood explained that people prepping for the holidays can divide their tasks into three categories, to gauge stress ahead of time and make decisions. 

“It’s really the ‘known-known,’ the ‘known-unknown’ and ‘the unknown-unknown.’ It’s categorizing,” said Wood. “If you know how to make that amazing mac and cheese, you don’t have to worry about that,” she said, giving an example of a “known-known” task that may not be as stressful given the background knowledge. 

“But let’s say you have a recipe for mac and cheese, but you’re not really sure [of it]— that’s your known-unknown,” explained Wood. “Then there’s the unknown-unknown. Don’t ask me to make anything if I don’t know how to make it. I’m not going to stress about it, because I don’t even know anything [about it].” 

Wood said that really understanding those categories can apply to anything.

Although the ladies discussed how important it is to plan ahead, they also recognized that not every situation can be prepared for ahead of time. Carr shared tips on how to handle blending families for the holidays. Last year she and her wife spent time with their family members as newlyweds. 

“Everybody has to get used to this new blend and what we did last year was bring the families together at our house and everybody got to meet and get to know each other a little bit more. That was huge for us,” shared Carr. “We had to talk about which holidays were important to us, what are some of the traditions that we’re used to with our families and how could we meet somewhere in the middle. I think ultimately just start with communication between you and your spouse first. Don’t let your parents and your cousins and godparents interfere. Have that conversation on your own—in your household—and figure out what’s important to you and how you’re going to move forward from there.” 

Tips on how to meet your partner’s family and make a good impression were also given out by life and leadership coach, Deana Kennedy. She noted that being informed about previous holiday interactions and arriving with something to share with the family, like a food item or beverages,  is always a great way to be introduced. 

“Try to meet the folks beforehand. At least have a conversation and get some intel from your partner on what their family is like, and what the dynamic is like at the table,” noted Kennedy. “Always bring something, do not go empty-handed. Whether it’s something you made yourself or something you bought from the store, make sure you bring something there and just be open. Be open to new traditions that people might have that are different from your own, be open to new family dynamics [and] be open to food.”

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