By Dr. Frances Murphy “Toni” Draper
AFRO CEO and Publisher
Black adults have the highest divorce rate and the lowest marriage rate of any ethnic group. And, according to my own research, and my experiences in clinical practice as a licensed pastoral counselor for many years, Christian couples divorce at the same rate as everyone else. In addition, there is a correlation between good mental health and healthy marriages. Those who are in healthy, satisfying, marriages are happier than those who are not. In fact, “healthy marriages” was the subject of my doctoral dissertation titled, “Relationship Theology: A Model for Producing Healthy Marriages in the African American Context.”
Let me be clear at the outset: you don’t have to be married to be happy. Marriage is not for everyone. It is not “one-size fits all.” Many people rightfully and righteously embrace their singleness and are more than satisfied (and happy) being single. But if you do decide to get married, especially if you and your fiancé (fiancée) also decide to have a big, expensive wedding, it is a real drain on your mental and emotional health –not to mention your financial health– to separate and / or divorce. Of course, there are those situations where divorce is the only option due to a pattern of mental, physical, spiritual, emotional or sexual abuse. Marriage, however, works if you work it!
Earlier this year, my husband and I celebrated 50 years of marriage and for 50 days leading up to that momentous occasion, we posted “a tip” a day on Facebook and Instagram. We received many comments and personal notes saying that these “tips” were a blessing and a huge help for many married couples.
Often, we were asked if we would consider writing a book. Yes, we are writing the book (in 2025), but for those who missed our “Fifty for Fifty” or want a refresher, here are just ten of our “tips,” in no particular order:
- Put God first -It is absolutely true that a couple that prays together, stays together.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff. Most of what couples disagree about falls into the “small stuff” category– just put the cap back on the toothpaste!
- Don’t use sex as a weapon. It is God’s gift to a man and a woman committed to one another in holy matrimony.
- Be willing to do what your spouse likes to do, even if you don’t particularly want to do it– even if it means hopping on a train to Yankee Stadium. Both of us are avid sports fans. He’s a Yankee, Cowboys, Lakers fan and I’m an Orioles, Ravens, no particular basketball team fan. To his credit, he cheers for the Orioles (as long as they’re not playing the Yankees), and he likes the Ravens. And I root for the Cowboys (as long as they’re not playing the Ravens – which isn’t often). But the Yankees??? Y’all pray for a Sistah!
- Do not discuss and analyze your marital “disagreements” with anyone other than your spouse, unless it’s with a mutually agreed upon “qualified, trained, compassionate, professional counselor.” Counseling works when you really commit to it—especially premarital counseling. Your unmarried, twice divorced, can’t maintain a long-term, committed relationship girlfriend, guy friend or anyone who starts the sentence with “if I were you…,” is absolutely not the best person to get advice from. I’m just saying….
- The only person you can “control” is you. The only mouth you can close (or open) is your own. In 50 years, we have never had a violent or out of control argument. Note: I didn’t say we never had a difference of opinion – we’ve had our share of those! To reduce stress, to maintain a healthy state of mind – practice disagreeing without being disagreeable; go to another room, practice taking a deep breath, counting to 20 or whatever it takes to suppress your first reaction – just because it “comes up”, doesn’t mean it should “come out.”
- If he or she is not ready to talk, don’t force it. But don’t ignore it either. Agree on a time, ideally within two to three hours of “not now,” to talk about whatever the issue is. By the way, texting is not talking! And, listening takes practice – lots of it. Don’t be in such a hurry to get your point across. You don’t always have to be right.
- Don’t let your body go. His 28 inch waist, and your size six (you pick the number) may be a thing of the past, but be intentional about keeping your body as fit and as healthy as possible. It’s good for your life span, as well as your long-term marital happiness.
- Never go to bed angry or ugly – yes, attractive nightwear is still necessary five, 10, 20, 30, 50 years later. It doesn’t have to be fancy or uncomfortable, but if it doesn’t match, if it’s frayed or torn or missing buttons, stained, mismatched, or as old as you are, do not wear it to bed, do not donate it to the thrift shop– throw it away!
- Do not commit emotional, spiritual or physical adultery. Too many extra marital affairs are born out of what seems innocent at first, i.e. he’s easier to talk to, he understands me, she pays attention to me, and she looks good all of the time. Some folk—even in the church—could care less about your marriage or your family, and make it their mission to kill, steal and destroy you and your marriage.
I hope these tips are helpful for the married, as well as those planning or desiring to be married.
I also hope you will read with great interest each of the articles in this special edition. Our writers and editors have carefully selected topics designed to promote good mental health on a variety of topics. From mental health tips for entrepreneurs to advice for veterans, this edition is all about self-care. Happy, healthy reading!
The post A good marriage equals good mental health: It works if you work it! appeared first on AFRO American Newspapers.
